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Jeffrey Epstein’s death in the federal jail in downtown Manhattan was the result of a conspiracy. But the conspirators were not the Clintons, President Trump, or Prince Andrew. Instead, his death, like too many others, was the result of a longtime conspiracy of lawmakers and actors within the criminal legal system itself. Several features of our legal system seem almost designed to promote suicide in jail. This Article examines and proposes solutions to two of those features: (1) jail conditions are inhumane in part because inmates face often insurmountable obstacles to hold jailers accountable; and (2) high rates of pretrial detention put far too many people at risk.